Dr. Mario's 2nd 🧠

📖 The myth of the nice girl

7 min read

Why did I want to read it?

What did I get out of it?

tl;dr

Author’s note

The ongoing myth of the “nice girl” is that she’s weak, a pushover, a “people pleaser,” and clearly not someone who is a natural leader or super effective at her job. At the same time, these women were concerned that if they voiced their opinions, stood up for themselves, and put their own ambition first, they’d end up in another box, this one labeled “bitch.” One after another, women asked me how they could find the perfect balance between being nice and being strong at work. (p. ix)

…no business guides seemed to regard being nice as powerful at all. (p. x)

1. Nice is your superpower

Kat was twenty-six, she was one of the vice presidents of Hooters (…) So when people told her that she was too nice, Kat started telling them, “Just so we are clear, don’t mistake my kindness for stupidity.” (p. 15)

… this person simply isn’t accustomed to dealing with someone at work who owns her kindness (p. 16)

2. Be ambitious and likable

As in a 📜 Gender Stereotypes and Workplace Bias, she talks about how an ambitious woman creates rejection.

[Hillary] Clinton explained that, as secretary of state, she had an extremely high approval rating, but as soon as she announced her run for president, it dropped significantly. (p. 20)

But she claims you can counteract this, using actions that seem “communal” (📜 Gender Stereotypes and Workplace Bias).

3. Speak up assertively and nicely

Don’t hesitate to take up more physical space at work. People will view you as a natural leader if you display physical confidence. (p. 64)

4. Give feedback directly and kindly

…if my team knew they could hand in sloppy work and I’d simply redo it, I’d be undermining my own authority as their boss. (p. 67)

There is an emerging field of study looking into the differences between how male and female brains are wired. A 2016 study from the University of Pennsylvania looked at the brain connectivity of two thousand healthy people. They found that female brains typically had far more grey matter in the hippocampus, the part of the brain that plays a role in forming memories, and the left caudate, a part of the brain that controls social cognition. The study concluded that this apportioning of grey matter is why women in general tend to be better at intuiting how others are feeling and knowing how to respond. (p. 71)

There are advantages in empathetic feedback:

But when you tap into your empathy to give constructive feedback, you avoid triggering this threat response in the other person. Ultimately, this increases that person’s ability to take in what you say, protects your relationship with them, and helps improve an employee’s performance without shattering their confidence. (p. 73)

Wow, this literally happens with me:

Author and sociologist BJ Gallagher has observed that the same characteristics that are accepted and even welcomed in male leaders are often resented in female ones. For example, while a male boss is seen as being attentive to details, a female who acts the same way is seen as picky. And as a result, female bosses have an unfair reputation for being micromanagers. (p. 77)

5. Make decisions firmly and collaboratively

when the time came closer, Mindy admitted that she had some fears. She told me that she remembers standing out on the terrace thinking, “Can I do this? Six thousand employees are counting on me.” In that moment, Mindy went back to her evidence-based confidence. She reminded herself of all the detailed due diligence she had done before making the decision to move ahead. Reflecting on all of that hard work gave her the inner confidence to believe in herself and what she was doing. (p. 90)

Use “tend and befriend” to your advantage:

…having to make a tough decision at work can certainly trigger a stress response.) While men typically go into fight-or-flight mode when faced with a stressor, women tend to seek out social groups during times of stress. Psychologists refer to this as the “tend and befriend” stress response. Studies show that women’s brains release more of a hormone called oxytocin in response to stress than men’s. Oxytocin makes us feel good about social interaction, causing women to seek out friends during times of stress. In part because of this response to stress, many of us go to our closest friends and family members when facing a tough decision. But are they really best equipped to give you an informed opinion? Not always. Instead of going to those closest to me, the first thing I do when making a decision is to try and figure out what kind of expertise I’m currently missing. (p. 91)

6. Negotiate with Strategy and Empathy

Studies have shown that women who negotiate communally, meaning with an eye toward what is best for the organization instead of just what is best for themselves, have a better chance of success. This means that in addition to discussing why you deserve the promotion and salary increase, you should talk about how your talents and experiences will add value to the company. (p. 115)

More on the communal advantage of women:

Research tells us that women actually outperform men when negotiating on behalf of someone else. (p. 119)

Use the relationships in jobs to “skip the lines”: by taking the time to build genuine relationships, you also get that people to prioritize your needs (p. 123)

7. Invest in yourself and be a team player

Before being inspired to really grow my network, I had kept my head down and focused mostly on contributing to the company (…) many of the “nice girls” I mentor feel an obligation to “do the right thing” and do right by the company and team. To them, this means working as hard as they can and spending as much time as possible in the office (…) there’s nothing wrong with going the extra mile like this, but it does become a problem if it leaves you with no time left over to focus.on developing yourself and vour own career. (p. 132)

In a recent survey of men and women, researchers discovered that women in general have a less goal-oriented approach to networking. They focus on finding common ground and socializing, while men have no problem approaching someone and bluntly stating what they want. (p. 138)

New research published in the Harvard Business Review suggests that one of the reasons fewer women reach the top of the corporate ladder than men is that they are less likely to hear about available positions as early as their male counterparts (…) To level the playing field, we must add more men—especially high-status men—to our networks. (p. 138)

Related to what 📖 Superpronosticadores. El arte y la ciencia de la predicción recommends with the outside view:

Career success is increasingly defined not just by how many hours you spend at your computer, but also by vour ability to connect to others, incorporate outside perspectives, and navigate groups (…) As a “nice girl” you have an advantage here (p. 148)

Chapter 9 expands this one in terms of mentoring.

8. Set boundaries and be caring

Clearing the decks as in 📖 Four Thousand Weeks:

I was so overwhelmed that I went into what I call “transactional mode.” I so badly wanted to feel accomplished by checking things off my to-do list that I spent all my time attacking small tasks and let the big ones slide. (p. 154)

Graph View

Backlinks