Dr. Mario's 2nd 🧠

đź“– Mating in Captivity

7 min read

Why did I want to read it?

The conflict between wanting to have an intimate relationship with somebody and my desire to explore was making me suffer.

What did I get out of it?

I never wrote a book before. I thought I couldn’t stand the solitude (Acknowledgments).

Introduction

The key idea is that:

It’s hard to generate excitement, anticipation, and lust with the same person you look to for comfort and stability, but it’s not impossible. I invite you to think about ways you might introduce risk to safety, mystery to the familiar, and novelty to the enduring. (…) there is no such thing as “safe sex”. (p. xiv, p. xx)

1. From Adventrue to Captivity. Why the Quest for Security Saps Erotic Vitality

…the realists. They say (…) In the inmortal words of Marge Simpson, “Passion is for teenagers and foreigners.” (p. 3)

Adult intimacy has become overburdened with expectations (p. 9)

In the words of Proust, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes” (p. 11)

… the waning of romance is less about the bounds of familiarity and the weight of reality than it is about fear. Eroticism is risky. People are afraid to allow themselves these moments of idealization and yearning for the person they live with. It introduces a recognition of the other’s sovereignty that can feel destabilizing. (p. 12)

We also narrow down our complexities but these agreements at some point breaks (p. 13)

Again, Uncertainty and My control need!

Eroticism resides in the ambiguous space between anxiety and fas-cination. We remain interested in our partners; they delight us, and we’re drawn to them. But, for many of us, renouncing the illusion of safety, and accepting the reality of our fundamental insecurity, proves to be a difficult step. (p. 18)

2. More Intimacy, Less Sex. Love Seeks Closeness, but Desire Needs Distance

In the beginning you can focus on the connection because the psychological distance is already there (p. 27)

Ironically, even the closeness generated by good sex can have boomerang effect. (p. 28)

It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy. (p. 30)

…creating the distance essential to eroticism means stepping back from the comfort of our partner and feeling more alone (…) If cultivating separateness sounds harsh. let’s think of it instead as nurturing a sense of selfhood (…) Everyone should cultivate a secret garden. (p. 37)

3. The Pitfalls of Modern Intimacy

The mandate of intimacy, when taken too far, can resemble coercion. In my own work, I see couples who no longer wait for an invitation into their partner’s interiority. but instead demand admittance… (p. 45)

And intimacy is not just talk, we have different languages (reminded me of the “love languages theory”).

4. Democracy Versus Hot Sex. Desire and Egalitarianism Don’t Play by the Same Rules

…the prohibitions we so vigorously uphold in the light are often the ones we enjoy transgressing in the dark. (p. 59)

…being able to play with roles goes some way toward indicating that. you’re no longer controlled by them. (p. 61)

…aggression, as a human emotion, cannot be purged from human interactions, especially not among those who love each other. Aggression is the shadow side of love. It is also an intrinsic component of sexuality, and it can never be entirely excised from sexual relationships. (p. 69)

5. The Protestant Work Ethic Takes On the Degradation of Desire

Reminded me to a similar comment about friendship which I think it was on đź“– Four Thousand Weeks.

We are indeed a nation that prides itself on efficiency. But here’s the catch: eroticism is inefficient. It loves to squander time and resources. (p. 75)

“A paradox to manage, not a problem to solve.(p. 82)”

In our overcommitted lives there’s a temptation to simplify our existential complexities. We just don’t have the time and patience for open-ended reflection. We prefer instead to be proactive and thereby reaffirm our sense of control. Eroticism challenges us to seek a different kind of resolution, to surrender to the unknown and ungraspable, and to breach the confines of the rational world. (p. 87)

10. The Shadow of the Third. Rethinking Fidelity

The exclusiveness we seek in monogamy has roots in our earliest experience of intimacy with our primary caretakers. The feminist psychoanalyst Nancy Chodorow writes, “This primary tendency, I shall be loved always, everywhere, in every way, my whole body, my whole being—without any criticism, without the slightest effort on my part-is the final aim of all erotic striving.” In our adult love we seek to recapture the primordial oneness we felt with Mom. The baby knows no separateness. (p. 179)

In a culture where everything is disposable and downsizing confirms just how replaceable we really are, our need to feel secure in our primary relationship is all the greater. The smaller we feel in the world, the more we need to shine in the eyes of our partner. We want to know that we matter, and that, for at least one person, we are irreplaceable. (p. 180)

Rather than inhibiting a couple’s sexuality, recognizing the third has a tendency to add spice, not least because it reminds us that we do not own our partners. We should not take them for granted. In uncertainty lies the seed of wanting. In addition, when we establish psychological distance, we, too, can peek at our partner with the admiring eyes of a stranger, noticing once again what habit has prevented us from seeing. Finally, renouncing others reaffirms our choice. He is the one I want. We admit our roving desires, yet push them back. We flirt with them, fll the while keeping them at a safe distance Perhaps this is another way of looking at maturity: not as passionless love, but as love that knows of other passions not chosen. (p. 194)

We fear that transgressing one limit can lead to the potential breach of all limits. (p. 195)

When I ask Arlene if she isn’t threatened by this arrangement, she replies, “Of course Lam. But at this point I think that asking Jenna to give up sex entirely would amount to a bigger threat than a few groupies. (p. 196)

…it’s been my experience that couples who negotiate sexual boundaries, like the ones mentioned above, are no less committed than those who keep the gates closed. (p. 197)

It’s interesting to note that although these couples bring a new meaning to the concept of fidelity, they are nonetheless susceptible to betrayal. Trust is crucial in any relationship… (p. 198)

11. Putting the X Back in Sex

When my patients wax nostalgic about the early days of rapid-ignition sex, I remind them that even in the beginning, spontaneity was a myth. Whatever used to happen “in the moment” was often the result of hours, if not days, of preparation. What outfit, what conversation, which restaurant, which music? All that planning-that highly detailed, imaginative production- was part of the buildup and part of the denouement. For this reason, I urge my patients not to be spontaneous about sex. (p. 213)

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